21 things Hollywood taught me

Okay, so we all know that movies – especially Hollywood-made movies – are mostly fictional, and most of the stuff are highly unlikely to happen to us in real life. In fact, we usually tell each other, “English teachers aren’t really that hot, Zahra!” or “Usually when somebody sets a delicious brunch in front of you, and you say ‘I’m starved!’ you eat it. You don’t look at your phone two seconds later, pout and say, ‘Sorry, I gotta go!'” Yeah, I mean you, Serena van der Woodsen.
In the same way, when my sister sees Johnny Depp play ‘Jack Sparrow’ in Pirates of the Carribean, and then sees him play ‘Willy Wonka’ in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and she exclaims, “OH MY GOSH, it’s HIM!” and I’m like, “That’s what actors do…they play in different movies,” we all know it’s just a movie.
Well you see, unconsciously, many movies we watch have a huge impact on our expectations in life.  No matter how old we are, we always forget that these movies are really just movies. 

Hollywood is so good at making you believe in the unbelievable. So here’s a list of 21 nonsense ideas Hollywood taught me:

1. Have no fear when a super villain attacks New York City. A super hero is going to come and fight crime, sweep you in his arms, break down the whole city, set it to flames, burn expensive cars, destroy land marks, have people running – and three days later, it’ll all be rebuilt, people will forget it ever happened.
Don’t believe me? Watch all three Spider Man movies, Fantastic Four, Iron Man & especially Transformers.

2. Being blond gets you far in life.
Most of the time, a hot guy falls in love with you. Or you’ll be some super hero’s girlfriend. Or something important.

3. It’s okay to run through destroyed cities in your best Armani gown. It’s okay if it’s torn to shreds and you’re filthy.
Chances are, you won’t even remember that dress. A few minutes later, you’ll be kissing the man you love in a nice pair of jeans and a crisp white t-shirt.

4. When you wake up next to your loved one, it’s okay to make out with him. Your morning breath smells like roses.
Never mind your dry and croaky mouth. Never mind your sleepy breath. The man or woman of your dreams doesn’t care about your breath. In fact, you both usually wake up with built-in mint spray inside your teeth.

5. When you wake up, you’ll have outstandingly perfect make-up.
Didn’t anybody tell you? While you sleep, make-up artists are sweating away to make your face picture perfect so that when you wake up, you already have your eyeshadow, mascara and sometimes even lipstick, ready-to-go.

6. You’ll always meet a hot guy while reading a book at your local coffee shop.
Of course you will! He’ll be either in line, getting the same coffee as you, or seats away from  you, staring at you.

7. Primary school kids only learn American History.
Well duh. That’s all they go to school for. They learn about Christopher Columbus and stuff. And the teacher is hot, loves red apples, and has cool hipster glasses.

8. Princes from unknown countries fall for girls like us.
Countries like Genovia (they always seem to be near Monaco btw, it’s much easier that way because 75% of the American population don’t really know Europe) have hotties coming to the USA to look for young girls like us. And they immediately fall in love. Oh, and they propose, and you become princess.

9. Your long-lost father married a witch and has a blond step-daughter your age who hates your guts.
Oh, and he’s rich.

10. You can break out in song and dance at school, and people will sing and dance with you.
Everybody. The basketball team, the cheerleaders, the teachers, the nerds, the potheads, the exchange students, the principal. They will all sing and dance with you.

11. You will be Prom Queen.
Either you, or your blond friend.

12. When you’re a pregnant teenager, your parents totally don’t yell at you. They help you raise the baby. When it’s all over, they don’t even remember you got knocked up in the first place.
And of course, you have a hamburger phone. All pregnant teenagers do.

13. The assassin in your kitchen is going to answer “It’s me, the assassin!” when you yell, “Who goes there?!”
No comment. We all know this happens.

14. Never go on a road trip with your college buddies. You’ll run into the Chainsaw dude or sumfin’.
Don’t ever take the shortcut, don’t stop for gas, don’t stay at an inn. Just don’t, or your African-American friend will get killed off first. And then your Hispanic friend.

15. Hispanic people always speak in Spanglish and your African-American friend is the sassiest giirrrrrrrl you know.
She’s always snapping her fingers, saying, “Oh no she didn’t! Kerisha, Hooold my shiet.”

16. You’re a loser. The popular girl is blond, and is dating the jock of the school. You’re gonna want to be friends with her, beware, she’ll backstab you.
Or you’re gonna become one of them, ditch your gothic/black/gay/nerdy/red-head best friend you met on the first day of school. Then you’re gonna realize you want her back. And she’ll take you back like the sweetheart she is.

17. When you break up with your boyfriend, he’ll stand in the rain singing love songs to you, and throw pebbles at your window.
He’s in love with you. His name is Matt, Drew, Austin or Andy or something anyway.

18. Of course you and your 15 year old friends can go to Hawaii all summer, with no adults and your cool ass parents won’t check up on you.
Because when you’re 15, you can do ANYTHING if you put your mind to it!

19. Your dog is listening.
Just got your heart broken? Your dog is listening.
You had a bad day? Your dog is listening.
No more food? Your dog is listening.
You like that girl? Your dog is listening.

20. Everybody uses ‘IM’. It’s just as hip as hi5.
Log in and hottie4evaurs will pop-up and have a chat with you.
Your computer is always on, it doesn’t take long to boot, and your usb key copies extremely heavy data in less than 10 seconds.

21. Your guy best friend is gay. If he’s not, he’s secretly in love with you.
And you’re too blind to see he’s in love with you. You only find out when your crush breaks your heart and he’s the one to hold you in the end.
Your gay best friend gets you ready for prom, hits on your boyfriend and knows more about make-up than you do.


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