On November 1st, right after Halloween, the world is divided into three different categories overnight:
-Those who don’t celebrate nor decorate for Christmas.
-Those who celebrate Christmas and decorate after Thanksgiving at the earliest.
-Those who don’t know how to read an advent calendar and celebrate and decorate for Christmas NOW or earlier.
Today, we’re going to talk about the latter category and why they need to stop.
Before I begin, I took the liberty of posting a 2014 calendar with a few modifications.
This looks a lot like an unfair game of Tic Tac Toe but if you look closely, December 25th is circled. Why, you ask? Because December 25th is CHRISTMAS DAY!
So now that we’ve gotten that out of our system, here are 10 reasons why you shouldn’t be celebrating Christmas for another few weeks or so:
1. It’s like celebrating Valentine’s Day on January 2nd, just because it’s the day after New Years Day and you can’t wait another month and twelve days to buy your heart-shaped chocolates.
2. Typical hangouts like Starbucks feed off of people like you who are so vulnerable to the Christmas spirit. I mean, they “invent” drinks like Gingerbread Latte which is basically a latte with a pinch of spice. Congratulations, you just paid 5 euros extra for half a milligram of cinnamon in a *red* cup.
3. You’ll get used to your Christmas decorations by December 1st. By December 10th, the flashing tree lights will give you migraines. By December 15th, your tree will be half bald. By Christmas Day, the only thing exciting about Christmas will be food.
4. Presents are meant to be bought a week or two before, unless they’re limited edition. Put it this way: When you went Christmas shopping in early November, you bought a sweater for your boyfriend that probably won’t fit anymore because A) He got Fat B) He dumped you C) He doesn’t like sweaters anymore, he wants a cardigan.
5. Singing “Sleigh Bells”, “Let it Snow”, “Frosty the Snowman”, “Jingle Bells”, “Santa Baby”, etc. when it’s not even snowing yet should make you feel sad.
6. You have another a month and five days before you can think about vacation. Buying a Santa hat won’t make it better.
7. Wearing stuff like this shouldn’t be allowed. Not now, not ever, not even on Christmas day:
8. The only Christmas album that should be playing before December, if you MUST should be Michael Bublé’s Christmas album. And even that’s pushing it.
9. It’s not even Thanksgiving yet, guys. Halloween just happened. What’s with people? Why are you so excited? Why can’t we breathe between holidays?
10. Christmas is beautiful, when it happens in December. Not for a month and a half. Y’all will keep pushing it until we start celebrating Christmas the day after New Years. No joke, I knew someone who kept the Christmas tree up until end of February. No joke, that was my family because nobody could be bothered to put it down. We don’t even put it up until Christmas Eve.
As far as I can remember, we’ve had the same Christmas decorations for the past ten years. We have this tradition where my parents decide to sleep in all day, ONCE a year: on Christmas day, when we open presents.
I don’t know what your family does, but nobody normal celebrates Christmas now. It’s November 15th for crying out loud. Get a puppy or something.